trust your gut, ponyboy
you know what you want - what's stopping you from getting it?
often times, if i am lacking plans on a weekend, the doom scrolling takes hold of me.
my first step in combatting this? adding time limits to my social media apps. though this won’t always deter me from spending a day scrolling, choosing “remind me in 15 minutes” will interrupt my dissociative flow state just enough to let me know how much time is passing.
this morning, on the first day of pride, i ate up my entire instagram time allotment in bed, before getting up to feed the cats.
thankfully, i’d woken up earlier than usual, and i was able (and excited) to see how much of the day was left for the taking.
as i poured my bowl of frosted flakes - an important breakfast staple for any twenty-five year old - i thought “wouldn’t it be nice to sit on the fire escape?”
i’m sure you, dear reader, are calling out to your screen now “sit on the fire escape! enjoy the morning breeze!” fret not, i did so!
my friends and i use an app called cappuccino, where we send daily voice messages and they get compiled into a podcast for us to listen to the morning. in the thirty-five days since we’ve started, i’ve learned so much more about the inner workings of my friends’ daily lives, and found myself feeling much closer to them, despite the states that sit between us.
my bowl of frosted flakes and i found ourselves sat outside the sixth floor, watching the trees blow in the breeze and the families walking to the end of the road to the neighborhood temple for service. there, i listened to my friends share stories of their previous day.
a cocktail of little inspirations shook themselves within me, and i realized: i wanted to venture out into the neighborhood, to a coffee shop i’d never frequented, and i wanted to sit and get some work done, so when monday rolled around, i was able to idle the day away.
before the communists come for me - i am staunchly against working on the weekend. trust me. but this coming tuesday, i am getting surgery (see: t-3 days until top surgery), and i anticipate a motivation level of negative four. so, i might as well allow my future self to dick around, while using the motivation my current self seems to be bubbling with!
venturing out at 10am means the sun is warm, but not blazing quite yet. the breeze is smooth, and the air is fresh with the smell of neighbor’s flower gardens.
i live in the historic district - the houses, easily 7 or 8 bedroom single family homes, stand tall on either side of the two lane dead end road. it’s comforting to live here, where “good mornings” between passersby are a plenty.
i stopped at my favorite bagel place, for a plain bagel with cream cheese and tomato. i forgot the red onion, but i was able to persevere. i was too nervous to ask the man next to me if he was finished with his newspaper, and would he mind if i read it? though i was sure he would’ve said yes.
at the end of my walk, i found the new cafe (sat next to my favorite neighborhood bar, and around the corner from my favorite diner). i am building a home on this street corner. i will stitch myself into the seams of the sidewalk here.
investing in myself, means taking the walk. it means following my instincts, and trusting my gut. the hardest step is the first, but an object in motion will stay in motion. if i can let myself take that first movement forward, the world is truly mine for the taking.